人性的枷鎖(14)

人性的枷鎖OF HUMAN BONDAGE

BY W. SOMERSET MAUGHAM毛姆

1915

中譯Bill Lin

第14章 禱告

後來學校裡掀起了一股敬虔的熱潮。再也聽不到粗話了，小孩子們的調皮搗蛋被惡意的解讀，而那些大孩子們更像是中世纪上議院的贵族議員，使用武力，迫使那些比他們弱小的孩子們遵行道德规範。

菲利浦變得很虔诚，他活躍的心思，熱切渴求新的事物。他很快地聽到可以加入一個聖經查經班，便寫信到倫敦去要細節。包括要在一張表格上填寫申請者的姓名、年龄和學校；在一份聲明稿上鄭重的簽字，表示他每晚會讀聖經指定的部分章節，持續一年；還得缴半個克朗crown的費用，據說，有一部分是為了表明申請者的诚意，另一部分作神職人員的開銷。菲利浦乖乖地把表格和錢寄去，收到了一份大約值一分錢的日曆，上面印有每天必須讀的章節；還收到一張紙，一面是好牧人和一隻羊羔的畫像，另一面则是一小段框有红線的祈禱詞，每次讀經之前要先念它。

每個晚上，他儘快地脱換衣服，爭取時間，以便在熄燈前完成他的指定功課。他總是勤快的讀經；對那些残忍欺詐、忘恩負義、卑鄙陰險的故事，不加批判的念過去。有些在他的生活中必定會引起他恐懼的行為，在讀經時竟然可以毫無異意地通過他的心頭，因為他認為那是受到神直接的啟示下所犯的惡行。查經班讀經的方式是《舊約》和《新約》一本一本交替著念。有一個晚上，菲利浦湊巧讀到耶稣基督的這些話語：

「你們若有信心，不疑惑，不但可以做像我對這無花果樹所做的，就是對這座山说：『你挪開此地，投在海裡！』也必成就。你們禱告，無論求什麼，只要信，就必得着。」(馬太 21:21)

他對這一段話語並没有特殊的印象，但是，在两三天後的主日，驻校的牧師選了這段經文作為講道的主題。平時菲利浦就是想聽這段講道也聽不到，因為皇家學校的男生都坐在詩班席上，講台設在教堂甬道的拐角，講道的人幾乎是背對他們。而且距離也太遠了，講道的人需有好嗓門，还要深諳演講技巧，才能讓詩班的人得進去；長久以來從坎特伯利的牧師協會挑選講道牧師，都是根據他們的學歷，而不是在大教堂講道的才能。這段經文，或許是因為他不久才念過，菲利浦聽得很清楚，似乎一下子就應用到他個人的身上。

他一面聽講一面思考這些話語；上床時，再翻到福音書上的這段章節。雖然他在潛意識裡相信書上的每一句話，但是他已經知道，聖經裡講得非常清楚的，常常神秘地意味著另一回事。在學校裡，找不到一個他想問的人，所以他把問题擺在心裡，直到聖诞誕假日時，有一天才找到機會提出来。

那時已經吃過晚飯，才做完禱告，凱里太太像往常一樣，正清點着瑪麗安拿進来的雞蛋，而且在把日期寫在蛋殼上。菲利浦站在桌邊，無心地翻著聖經。

「請問威廉伯父，這一段經文確實是這個意思嗎？」

他用指頭指指著段經文，裝做是無意中翻到的。

凱里先生從眼鏡上頭看過來。他正在壁爐前烘乾布萊克斯泰勃時報，報紙是下午油墨未乾就送來的，牧師總要先晾個十分鐘才看。

「哦，是說假若有信心，就能把大山搬掉。」

「如果聖經這麼說，就是這樣，菲利浦，」凱里太太一面細語，一面拿起餐具篮。

菲利浦望着伯父，等他回答。

「那和信心有關。」

「你的意思是——只要真的相信能把大山搬開，就能搬開？」

「承蒙神的恩典，」牧師說。

「好了，菲利浦，向你伯父說晚安，」路易莎伯母说，「你不會是今晚就要去搬一座山吧？」

菲利浦讓伯父在额角上吻了一下，在凱里太太之前上樓去了。他聽到了他想知道的。他的小房間是冰冷的，他換上了睡衣冷得直發抖。不過他總覺得：當他在不舒服的情况下禱告，神會比較高興。那冰冷的手脚就是對萬能的神的奉献。

今晚，他曲膝捂臉，竭力向神禱告，祈求能讓他的翻掌脚恢復正常。和移山比起來，這是一件微不足道的事。他知道只要神願意，就做得到。何况他有完全的信心。次日清晨，在做了同樣的禱告以後，他定下應驗神蹟的日期。

「神啊，在你愛的憐憫和仁慈裡，如果這是祢的旨意，請在我返校的前個晚上，讓我的脚完好無缺。」

他很高興能把他的祈求搞成一個公式，過後在餐室裡，趁著牧師通常禱告完還跪在地上的片刻，他又重複了一遍，傍晚又说了一遍，睡觉之前，穿著睡衣，冷得發抖，又再说一遍。他確信如此。這一回，他熱切地盼望假期早日结束。一想到當他的伯父看到自己一步三階地飛奔下樓時的驚訝，自個兒都笑了起來；等吃過早飯，他必須得趕快和路易莎伯母出去買雙新靴。在學校裡他們都要嚇呆了。

「哇，凱里，你的脚怎麼啦？」

「哦，已經好啦！」他要不在意地回答，好像這是最平常不過的事似的。

他將能踢足球。看到自己跑呀跑的，跑得比誰都快，他的心雀躍著。在下學期末的運動會上，他將能够参加比赛，甚至幻想到跨欄。

可以同正常的人一樣會是多麼光彩的一件事，不再被不知道自己畸型的新生拿好奇的眼光盯着，夏天洗澡脱衣服時，不必特別小心，要趕緊把脚藏到水裡。

他竭盡心力地禱告，沒有一絲懷疑。他對神的話堅信不疑。返校前晚上，他上床時激動得全身發抖。地面都是雪，路易莎伯母也破例奢華地在自己的寝室生了爐子，但是他的小房間冷到手指頭部都麻木了，他費了好大的勁才把领口解開。他的牙齒打颤。他認為今晚他必須做不尋常的動作來引起神的注意，所以他把床前的地毯掀開，要跪在光秃的地板上；接著，他認為他的睡衣太柔软了，可能引起他的造物主的不快，所以他脱去睡衣，光着身子禱告。

等他上床時，他冷得許久都睡不着。可是一入睡，卻沉睡到隔天早上，瑪麗安端熱水進來時，才把他摇醒。她邊拉窗帘，邊和他搭讪。可是他一句也沒回答。他馬上記起，這就是要出奇蹟的那個早晨，他的心裡充满着喜悦與感恩。他第一個本能反應是要伸手去摸那隻現在已經完好的脚，但這樣做像是對神的仁慈的懷疑。他知道他的脚已經好了。最後他拿定主意，用右脚趾去碰他的左脚。他接著伸手去摸。

瑪麗安上餐室禱告了，他才瘸著下楼吃早饭。

「今天早上你都不講話啊，菲利浦，」路易莎伯母說話了。

「他正想着明天學校裡的豐盛早餐，」牧師说。

每當菲利浦回話不對頭，總要激怒他的伯父。牧師稱這是心不在焉的壞習惯。

「要是你祈求神做一件事，」菲利浦说，「而且真心相信它會發生，譬如移走一座山，自己也有信心，结果却没有發生，這叫做什麼呢？」

「你這孩子真有意思，」路易莎伯母说，「两三星期前你就問過移山的事。」

「這只能說你還没有信心。」威廉伯父回答。

菲利浦接受這個解釋。要是神没有醫治他，那是因為他沒有真正的相信。但他看不出要如何才能比先前更信，或許他没有给神足够的時間，他只给了神十九天的時間。

一兩天以後，他又開始禱告，這回他把日期定在復活節，那是聖子耶穌基督榮耀復活的日子，在神大喜的日子，或許會大發慈悲。

不過現在菲利浦為了實現他的願望，又增加了其他的手段：見到一輪新月或一匹有斑點的馬，就開始許願；他留意天上的流星；有一次放大假回家，牧師樓裡宰了一隻雞，他和路易莎伯母一道扯斷那根幸運骨時，他又許願了，每次都許願自己的脚能完好無缺。他在潛意裡有求於古代族人信奉的諸神而非以色列人信奉的獨一真神。在一天其他的時間裡，只要他想到了，又再次以他的禱告向全能的神轟炸，依他看来，用同樣的方式向神祈求是很重要的。可是ㄧ下子，他覺得這一次他對神的信心還是不夠。他無法抵擋這個疑慮的攻擊。他把自己的經驗歸納成一個通則：

「我認為沒有人會有過足够的信心，」他說。

這正如他的保姆以前常告訴他那個鹽的故事：只要把鹽撒在任何鳥的尾巴上，你就可以把牠捉住；有一次，他带了一小袋鹽到肯辛頓花園。可是，他總無法挨近鳥兒，把鹽撒在鳥尾巴上。

還不到復活節，他放棄了爭扎。他埋怨他的伯父讓他一腳踩了進去。那段提到移走大山的，正是那些說這回事，指另一回事的一堆經文之一。他認為他的伯父在戲弄他。

******************

Then a wave of religiosity passed through the school. Bad language was no longer heard, and the little nastinesses of small boys were looked upon with hostility; the bigger boys, like the lords temporal of the Middle Ages, used the strength of their arms to persuade those weaker than themselves to virtuous courses.

Philip, his restless mind avid for new things, became very devout. He heard soon that it was possible to join a Bible League, and wrote to London for particulars. These consisted in a form to be filled up with the applicant's name, age, and school; a solemn declaration to be signed that he would read a set portion of Holy Scripture every night for a year; and a request for half a crown; this, it was explained, was demanded partly to prove the earnestness of the applicant's desire to become a member of the League, and partly to cover clerical expenses. Philip duly sent the papers and the money, and in return received a calendar worth about a penny, on which was set down the appointed passage to be read each day, and a sheet of paper on one side of which was a picture of the Good Shepherd and a lamb, and on the other, decoratively framed in red lines, a short prayer which had to be said before beginning to read.

Every evening he undressed as quickly as possible in order to have time for his task before the gas was put out. He read industriously, as he read always, without criticism, stories of cruelty, deceit, ingratitude, dishonesty, and low cunning. Actions which would have excited his horror in the life about him, in the reading passed through his mind without comment, because they were committed under the direct inspiration of God. The method of the League was to alternate a book of the Old Testament with a book of the New, and one night Philip came across these words of Jesus Christ:

If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig-tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done.

And all this, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.

They made no particular impression on him, but it happened that two or three days later, being Sunday, the Canon in residence chose them for the text of his sermon. Even if Philip had wanted to hear this it would have been impossible, for the boys of King's School sit in the choir, and the pulpit stands at the corner of the transept so that the preacher's back is almost turned to them. The distance also is so great that it needs a man with a fine voice and a knowledge of elocution to make himself heard in the choir; and according to long usage the Canons of Tercanbury are chosen for their learning rather than for any qualities which might be of use in a cathedral church. But the words of the text, perhaps because he had read them so short a while before, came clearly enough to Philip's ears, and they seemed on a sudden to have a personal application. He thought about them through most of the sermon, and that night, on getting into bed, he turned over the pages of the Gospel and found once more the passage. Though he believed implicitly everything he saw in print, he had learned already that in the Bible things that said one thing quite clearly often mysteriously meant another. There was no one he liked to ask at school, so he kept the question he had in mind till the Christmas holidays, and then one day he made an opportunity. It was after supper and prayers were just finished. Mrs. Carey was counting the eggs that Mary Ann had brought in as usual and writing on each one the date. Philip stood at the table and pretended to turn listlessly the pages of the Bible.

"I say, Uncle William, this passage here, does it really mean that?"

He put his finger against it as though he had come across it accidentally.

Mr. Carey looked up over his spectacles. He was holding The Blackstable Times in front of the fire. It had come in that evening damp from the press, and the Vicar always aired it for ten minutes before he began to read.

"What passage is that?" he asked.

"Why, this about if you have faith you can remove mountains."

"If it says so in the Bible it is so, Philip," said Mrs. Carey gently, taking up the plate-basket.

Philip looked at his uncle for an answer.

"It's a matter of faith."

"D'you mean to say that if you really believed you could move mountains you could?"

"By the grace of God," said the Vicar.

"Now, say good-night to your uncle, Philip," said Aunt Louisa. "You're not wanting to move a mountain tonight, are you?"

Philip allowed himself to be kissed on the forehead by his uncle and preceded Mrs. Carey upstairs. He had got the information he wanted. His little room was icy, and he shivered when he put on his nightshirt. But he always felt that his prayers were more pleasing to God when he said them under conditions of discomfort. The coldness of his hands and feet were an offering to the Almighty. And tonight he sank on his knees; buried his face in his hands, and prayed to God with all his might that He would make his club-foot whole. It was a very small thing beside the moving of mountains. He knew that God could do it if He wished, and his own faith was complete. Next morning, finishing his prayers with the same request, he fixed a date for the miracle.

"Oh, God, in Thy loving mercy and goodness, if it be Thy will, please make my foot all right on the night before I go back to school."

He was glad to get his petition into a formula, and he repeated it later in the dining-room during the short pause which the Vicar always made after prayers, before he rose from his knees. He said it again in the evening and again, shivering in his nightshirt, before he got into bed. And he believed. For once he looked forward with eagerness to the end of the holidays. He laughed to himself as he thought of his uncle's astonishment when he ran down the stairs three at a time; and after breakfast he and Aunt Louisa would have to hurry out and buy a new pair of boots. At school they would be astounded.

"Hulloa, Carey, what have you done with your foot?"

"Oh, it's all right now," he would answer casually, as though it were the most natural thing in the world.

He would be able to play football. His heart leaped as he saw himself running, running, faster than any of the other boys. At the end of the Easter term there were the sports, and he would be able to go in for the races; he rather fancied himself over the hurdles. It would be splendid to be like everyone else, not to be stared at curiously by new boys who did not know about his deformity, nor at the baths in summer to need incredible precautions, while he was undressing, before he could hide his foot in the water.

He prayed with all the power of his soul. No doubts assailed him. He was confident in the word of God. And the night before he was to go back to school he went up to bed tremulous with excitement. There was snow on the ground, and Aunt Louisa had allowed herself the unaccustomed luxury of a fire in her bed-room; but in Philip's little room it was so cold that his fingers were numb, and he had great difficulty in undoing his collar. His teeth chattered. The idea came to him that he must do something more than usual to attract the attention of God, and he turned back the rug which was in front of his bed so that he could kneel on the bare boards; and then it struck him that his nightshirt was a softness that might displease his Maker, so he took it off and said his prayers naked. When he got into bed he was so cold that for some time he could not sleep, but when he did, it was so soundly that Mary Ann had to shake him when she brought in his hot water next morning. She talked to him while she drew the curtains, but he did not answer; he had remembered at once that this was the morning for the miracle. His heart was filled with joy and gratitude. His first instinct was to put down his hand and feel the foot which was whole now, but to do this seemed to doubt the goodness of God. He knew that his foot was well. But at last he made up his mind, and with the toes of his right foot he just touched his left. Then he passed his hand over it.

He limped downstairs just as Mary Ann was going into the dining-room for prayers, and then he sat down to breakfast.

"You're very quiet this morning, Philip," said Aunt Louisa presently.

"He's thinking of the good breakfast he'll have at school to-morrow," said the Vicar.

When Philip answered, it was in a way that always irritated his uncle, with something that had nothing to do with the matter in hand. He called it a bad habit of wool-gathering.

"Supposing you'd asked God to do something," said Philip, "and really believed it was going to happen, like moving a mountain, I mean, and you had faith, and it didn't happen, what would it mean?"

"What a funny boy you are!" said Aunt Louisa. "You asked about moving mountains two or three weeks ago."

"It would just mean that you hadn't got faith," answered Uncle William.

Philip accepted the explanation. If God had not cured him, it was because he did not really believe. And yet he did not see how he could believe more than he did. But perhaps he had not given God enough time. He had only asked Him for nineteen days. In a day or two he began his prayer again, and this time he fixed upon Easter. That was the day of His Son's glorious resurrection, and God in His happiness might be mercifully inclined. But now Philip added other means of attaining his desire: he began to wish, when he saw a new moon or a dappled horse, and he looked out for shooting stars; during exeat they had a chicken at the vicarage, and he broke the lucky bone with Aunt Louisa and wished again, each time that his foot might be made whole. He was appealing unconsciously to gods older to his race than the God of Israel. And he bombarded the Almighty with his prayer, at odd times of the day, whenever it occurred to him, in identical words always, for it seemed to him important to make his request in the same terms. But presently the feeling came to him that this time also his faith would not be great enough. He could not resist the doubt that assailed him. He made his own experience into a general rule.

"I suppose no one ever has faith enough," he said.

It was like the salt which his nurse used to tell him about: you could catch any bird by putting salt on his tail; and once he had taken a little bag of it into Kensington Gardens. But he could never get near enough to put the salt on a bird's tail. Before Easter he had given up the struggle. He felt a dull resentment against his uncle for taking him in. The text which spoke of the moving of mountains was just one of those that said one thing and meant another. He thought his uncle had been playing a practical joke on him.