大嘴巴

我是個一般人所謂的大嘴巴，不是嘴巴大，而是口沒遮攔，想到什麼就說什麼，毫無保留，更怕口說無憑，還要寫下來當憑據。所以現今的電子郵件，部落格，臉書能散播意見的，我都要插上一嘴，露個一手，到底是圖個什麼？我也莫名其妙。

1979年30歲時移民美國，父親把一生的不多的積蓄托付姊姊和姊夫在休士頓Houston和朋友合夥投資摩鐵motel，掛的是我的名字。投資的規模不大，但也一切照規矩來，要開股東大會。

記得那天，5個股東擠在一部車子裡，我是最年輕的，坐在後排中，開車的老大，口沫橫飛的跟我們簡報，摩鐵的出租率達到98%，只要把佔用一個房間的管理員弄到鄰近的公寓去住，出租率就是100%，每個月現金盈餘有好多好多；還有其他的公司要來買我們的摩鐵，如果賣了，淨賺3倍半。

那時，我這個大嘴巴脫口而出：「太好了，賣!」所有的人，包括開車的老大，一起轉頭看著我…，好像我是從火星來的。

過了半晌，老大幽幽的說：「年輕人，你要多多的學習，你要知道，不可以宰掉會下金蛋的鵝…」後來，他們決定把盈餘的錢，拿去買對面的摩鐵。4年以後出租率跌到30%以下，我陸續的幫父親繼續擺錢進去，最後只剩個0蛋。

你們大概知道，大嘴巴在50歲就號稱是退休了；有人羨慕，有人忌妒，實際上都是大嘴巴惹的禍，因為我在40歲時就到處宣稱：「人生50就該退休，好好的為自己而活。」如果自食其言，這個老臉要往哪兒擺啊？

6/29/2013 in facebook notes

人性的枷鎖(7)

人性的枷鎖OF HUMAN BONDAGE

BY W. SOMERSET MAUGHAM毛姆

1915

中譯Bill Lin

第7章 主日

主日是個忙碌的日子。凱里先生總是號稱：他是教區裡唯一每週工作七天的人。

這天，全家要比平常早半小時起床。瑪麗安八點整來敲房門，凱里先生嘴裡抱怨：命苦的牧師，安息日也不得賴床。凱里太太在穿著上要花多一點的時間，她九點下來用早餐，有點趕，只比她的老公早了一步。凱里先生的靴子擱在火爐前烘暖。禱告都比平日長，早餐也比較豐盛。

早餐後，牧師把麵包切成薄片準備聖餐，菲利浦很榮幸幫著削麵包皮。他被叫去拿大理石鎮紙，牧師用它來壓麵包，壓得薄薄爛爛的，再把它們切成小方塊。數量的多寡隨著天氣而定；壞天氣只有少數人上教堂；特好的天氣雖然來了很多人，但只有少數會留下來用聖餐；只有既不下雨，可以愉快的走去教堂，又沒好到急著出去玩的日子，領聖餐的人最多。接著，凱里太太從茶水間的保險櫃裡取出聖餐盤，牧師用塊羚羊皮將它擦得雪亮。

十點，馬車停在門口，凱里先生穿上靴子。凱里太太花了好幾分鐘才戴好她的帽子，這時候，牧師披著件寬大的斗篷，等在門廳裡，臉上帶那副表情，好像一個古代的基督徒，正等著被領入競技場送死。這是很怪異，結婚三十年了，每到主日的早晨，他的老婆老是拖拖拉拉的。她總算來了，穿著黑緞子衣服；不管什麼場合，牧師平時就不喜歡教士的老婆花枝招展的，何況是主日，他更堅持她一定得穿黑衣服；偶而，她夥同格雷夫斯小姐，鼓起勇氣的在帽子上插根羽毛、或一朵粉紅玫瑰，但牧師執意要弄掉它們；說他不伙同蕩婦一起上教堂；凱里太太像個女人般的嘆氣，但是還得像個妻子般的順服。

他們正要上車的時候，牧師記起今天還沒給他吃雞蛋。她們知道他必須吃個雞蛋保養喉嚨，家裡有兩個女人，卻沒人關心他的福祉。凱里太太責怪瑪麗安，瑪麗安卻回嘴說：她沒法樣樣事都管。瑪麗安趕緊去拿個雞蛋；凱里太太把蛋打散在一杯雪利酒sherry裡。牧師一口吞下去。聖餐盤擺進了馬車，他們上路了。

這輛馬車是屬於“紅獅”車行的，車上有發霉稻草的怪味。一路上，兩邊窗子都關著，生怕牧師著涼。守候在教堂門廊處的教堂長工，拿了聖餐盤，牧師走去更衣室，凱里太太和菲利浦坐到牧師家族席。凱里太太在自己面前放了一枚六便士的錢幣，準備放到奉獻盤，還給了菲利浦一枚三便士，準備奉獻。教堂裡漸漸坐滿人，敬拜開始。

牧師講道時，菲利浦逐漸無聊起來，只要他一坐立不安，凱里太太就伸手將他胳臂輕輕按住，用責備的目光盯他一眼。等唱完最後一支聖詩，格雷夫斯先生傳遞奉獻盤的時候，菲利浦的興致又來了。

等所有的人都走了，凱里太太走到格雷夫斯小姐的席前，趁等男士們的當兒，同格雷夫斯小姐閒聊，菲利浦也溜進了更衣室。他的伯父、副牧師和格雷夫斯先生，還都穿著聖袍。凱里先生將剩下的聖餐給他，叫他吃了。過去一向是牧師自己吃掉的，因為扔掉了似乎是有點褻瀆神；菲利浦的好胃口，正好代勞。然後他們點算錢幣，裡面有一便士的，有六便士的，也有三便士的。每回都有兩枚一先令的錢幣。一枚是牧師放進去的，另一枚是格雷夫斯先生放的；有時還會有一枚弗洛林florin(兩先令)。格雷夫斯先生告訴牧師是誰放的。經常不是來自布萊克斯泰勃的當地人。凱里先生不知道那是什麼樣的人。不過格雷夫斯小姐早已看到這種輕率的舉動，而且可以告訴凱里太太：這陌生人是從倫敦來的，結了婚，而且有孩子。在回家的車上，凱里太太轉告這個消息，於是牧師決定去探訪他，請他加入“額外副牧師協會”。凱里先生問到菲利浦是否守規矩；凱里太太卻談到威格廉太太有件新披風，考克斯Cox先生沒來教堂，以及有人認為菲利浦斯小姐已經訂婚了。一回到牧師樓，他們都覺得應當享受一頓豐盛的午餐。

飯後，凱里太太回自己房裡休息，凱里先生躺在客廳的長沙發上打個盹。

五點用茶點，牧師吃了個蛋來支撐他的晚禱。凱里太太留在家裡好讓瑪麗安去教堂參加敬拜，不過她也唸了禱文，唱聖詩。晚上，凱里先生走路去教堂，菲利浦一瘸一拐地跟在身邊。黑暗裡在鄉村小路行走，給他一種奇怪的印象，遠處燈火通明的教堂，慢慢地靠過來，顯得很友善。起初，他跟伯父一起時有點怯生，後來慢慢相處慣了，他會把手伸進伯父的手裡，因為有了安全感，走起路來也比較自在。

他們一回家，就開始吃晚餐。凱里先生的拖鞋已經擺在火爐前的腳凳上等著他；旁邊是菲利浦的拖鞋，一隻是小男孩的鞋，另一隻卻畸形怪樣。他上去睡覺時已經累壞了，毫不反抗的讓瑪麗安幫他脫衣服。她給他蓋好被子，親了他一下；他開始喜歡上她了。

***********

Sunday was a day crowded with incident. Mr. Carey was accustomed to say that he was the only man in his parish who worked seven days a week.

The household got up half an hour earlier than usual. No lying abed for a poor parson on the day of rest, Mr. Carey remarked as Mary Ann knocked at the door punctually at eight. It took Mrs. Carey longer to dress, and she got down to breakfast at nine, a little breathless, only just before her husband. Mr. Carey's boots stood in front of the fire to warm. Prayers were longer than usual, and the breakfast more substantial. After breakfast the Vicar cut thin slices of bread for the communion, and Philip was privileged to cut off the crust. He was sent to the study to fetch a marble paperweight, with which Mr. Carey pressed the bread till it was thin and pulpy, and then it was cut into small squares. The amount was regulated by the weather. On a very bad day few people came to church, and on a very fine one, though many came, few stayed for communion. There were most when it was dry enough to make the walk to church pleasant, but not so fine that people wanted to hurry away.

Then Mrs. Carey brought the communion plate out of the safe, which stood in the pantry, and the Vicar polished it with a chamois leather. At ten the fly drove up, and Mr. Carey got into his boots. Mrs. Carey took several minutes to put on her bonnet, during which the Vicar, in a voluminous cloak, stood in the hall with just such an expression on his face as would have become an early Christian about to be led into the arena. It was extraordinary that after thirty years of marriage his wife could not be ready in time on Sunday morning. At last she came, in black satin; the Vicar did not like colours in a clergyman's wife at any time, but on Sundays he was determined that she should wear black; now and then, in conspiracy with Miss Graves, she ventured a white feather or a pink rose in her bonnet, but the Vicar insisted that it should disappear; he said he would not go to church with the scarlet woman: Mrs. Carey sighed as a woman but obeyed as a wife. They were about to step into the carriage when the Vicar remembered that no one had given him his egg. They knew that he must have an egg for his voice, there were two women in the house, and no one had the least regard for his comfort. Mrs. Carey scolded Mary Ann, and Mary Ann answered that she could not think of everything. She hurried away to fetch an egg, and Mrs. Carey beat it up in a glass of sherry. The Vicar swallowed it at a gulp. The communion plate was stowed in the carriage, and they set off.

The fly came from The Red Lion and had a peculiar smell of stale straw. They drove with both windows closed so that the Vicar should not catch cold. The sexton was waiting at the porch to take the communion plate, and while the Vicar went to the vestry Mrs. Carey and Philip settled themselves in the vicarage pew. Mrs. Carey placed in front of her the sixpenny bit she was accustomed to put in the plate, and gave Philip threepence for the same purpose. The church filled up gradually and the service began.

Philip grew bored during the sermon, but if he fidgetted Mrs. Carey put a gentle hand on his arm and looked at him reproachfully. He regained interest when the final hymn was sung and Mr. Graves passed round with the plate.

When everyone had gone Mrs. Carey went into Miss Graves' pew to have a few words with her while they were waiting for the gentlemen, and Philip went to the vestry. His uncle, the curate, and Mr. Graves were still in their surplices. Mr. Carey gave him the remains of the consecrated bread and told him he might eat it. He had been accustomed to eat it himself, as it seemed blasphemous to throw it away, but Philip's keen appetite relieved him from the duty. Then they counted the money. It consisted of pennies, sixpences and threepenny bits. There were always two single shillings, one put in the plate by the Vicar and the other by Mr. Graves; and sometimes there was a florin. Mr. Graves told the Vicar who had given this. It was always a stranger to Blackstable, and Mr. Carey wondered who he was. But Miss Graves had observed the rash act and was able to tell Mrs. Carey that the stranger came from London, was married and had children. During the drive home Mrs. Carey passed the information on, and the Vicar made up his mind to call on him and ask for a subscription to the Additional Curates Society. Mr. Carey asked if Philip had behaved properly; and Mrs. Carey remarked that Mrs. Wigram had a new mantle, Mr. Cox was not in church, and somebody thought that Miss Phillips was engaged. When they reached the vicarage they all felt that they deserved a substantial dinner.

When this was over Mrs. Carey went to her room to rest, and Mr. Carey lay down on the sofa in the drawing-room for forty winks.

They had tea at five, and the Vicar ate an egg to support himself for evensong. Mrs. Carey did not go to this so that Mary Ann might, but she read the service through and the hymns. Mr. Carey walked to church in the evening, and Philip limped along by his side. The walk through the darkness along the country road strangely impressed him, and the church with all its lights in the distance, coming gradually nearer, seemed very friendly. At first he was shy with his uncle, but little by little grew used to him, and he would slip his hand in his uncle's and walk more easily for the feeling of protection.

They had supper when they got home. Mr. Carey's slippers were waiting for him on a footstool in front of the fire and by their side Philip's, one the shoe of a small boy, the other misshapen and odd. He was dreadfully tired when he went up to bed, and he did not resist when Mary Ann undressed him. She kissed him after she tucked him up, and he began to love her.

人性的枷鎖(6)

人性的枷鎖OF HUMAN BONDAGE

BY W. SOMERSET MAUGHAM毛姆

1915

中譯Bill Lin

第6章 生活

在牧師樓裡過日子，一成不變。

一吃過早餐，瑪麗安就把泰晤士報The Times 拿進來。這份報紙是凱里先生和兩位鄰居合訂的。他是十點至下午一點，然後園丁就拿去給萊姆斯Limes 莊的埃利斯Ellis 先生，一直到下午七點再送交梅諾Manor 大廈的布魯克斯Brooks 小姐。因為她最後看，報紙便是她的了。凱里太太夏天製作果醬時，經常跟她要張報紙來包果醬罐。

當牧師專心看報的時候，她的老婆就戴上帽子出去採買，有菲利浦陪著。布萊克斯泰勃是個漁村，鎮上有一條大街，店鋪、銀行、醫生診所以及兩三個輪船船東都住在這條街上；小港口的周遭都是破舊的街道，住著漁民和窮苦村民；不過因為他們都去小禮拜堂，就甭提他們了。凱里太太在街上看到不同教派的牧師，就跨到街對面去，避免同他們打照面；如果來不及，就目不斜視地盯著路面。

在這樣一條大街上，竟然有三座小禮拜堂，牧師一直認為這是無法接受的醜聞：他總覺得政府該出來干預，不准他們建堂。

牧師娘在布萊克斯泰勃買東西真不簡單，別談教區教堂離小鎮有兩哩路，還必須只跟教友作買賣；對非教友來講，買東西是件很平常的事。凱里太太很清楚，牧師家的買東西習慣，對商家的信仰有很大的影響。鎮上有兩家開肉鋪的，都上教區教堂，他們不明白牧師為什麼不能同時光顧兩家，也不滿意牧師半年買這家，下半年買另一家的辦法。那家輪空的，不斷的揚言不上教堂了；牧師有時候必須威脅他：不上教堂是個大錯，如果罪孽重大，竟敢跑去小禮拜堂，那時，即使他賣的肉有多好，凱里先生被逼得只好與他斷絕往來。

凱里太太經常到銀行，替丈夫傳信息信給經理喬賽亞．格雷夫斯Josiah Graves。格雷夫斯是教堂的詩班指揮，又是財務和教堂看守。他高高瘦瘦的，蠟黃臉上加上長鼻子，滿頭白髮，在菲利浦心目中，像個很老的人。他管教區帳目，安排詩班的獻詩和主日學的課程。雖說教區教堂沒有風琴，但是他所帶領的詩班，在布萊克斯泰勃卻被公認是全肯特Kent 郡最好的；只要有什麼慶典儀式，比如主教來施堅信禮，教區長在收獲感恩節講道，所有該做的準備工作都由他一手包辦。他處理起教區各樣的事務，都獨斷獨行，頂多和牧師來個敷衍式的諮詢；牧師儘管是多一事不如少一事，但對這位教堂看守的作風非常憤恨。他真是把自己當成是教區首要人物了。牧師總是告訴她老婆，如果喬賽亞．格雷夫斯不守本份，有一天要讓他好看；不過，凱里太太總是勸他忍耐：格雷夫斯居心良好，如果他少了紳士風度，也不全是他的錯。牧師採取了寬恕的態度，以恪守基督徒的美德自慰；但是他背地裡罵這位教堂看守是“俾斯麥Bismarck ”當作報復。

有一回這倆人終於吵得不可開交；凱里太太每想起那段焦頭爛額的日子，還心有餘悸：

有個保守黨候選人宣布要在布萊克斯泰勃發表競選演說；喬賽亞．格雷夫斯把演說安排在主堂，然後去告訴凱里先生，說自己到時候也希望在上頭講幾句。看來那位候選人已邀請喬賽亞．格雷夫斯上座。凱里先生很受不了。他很堅定的認為，他的牧師袍必須得到尊重；只要牧師還在，居然讓教堂看守坐上座是夠荒唐的。他提醒喬賽亞．格雷夫斯，牧師就是教區的代表人。喬賽亞．格雷夫斯回答說：他最認同教會的尊嚴，但這次是政治的事務；他反過來提醒牧師別忘他們的救主耶穌基督的教訓：「屬該撒Caesar 的，當歸給該撒。」對此，牧師回應：「魔鬼也會引用聖經的字句來達到自己的目的，」他有絕對的主權支配主堂，如果不請他當主席，他就拒絕用它來開那個政治會議。

喬賽亞．格雷夫斯告訴凱里先生說：悉聽尊便；至於他要怎麼做：他覺得衛斯理的Wesleyan 禮拜堂也是個很合適的場地。凱里先生回答：如果喬賽亞．格雷夫斯膽敢踏進一個比異教徒廟宇好不了多少的地方，他就不適合擔任一個基督教教區的看守。所以喬賽亞．格雷夫斯馬上辭掉了所有職位，並於當晚派人到教堂取回他的袈裟和法衣。替他管家的妹妹格雷夫斯小姐，也放棄了產婦會的秘書職務。產婦會發放給貧苦孕婦絨布、嬰兒毛巾、煤以及五先令的現金。

凱里先生說：他總算真正的當家作主了。但是很快的，他看到自己對所有必須處理的事一竅不通；而喬賽亞．格雷夫斯，憤怒之餘也發現自己失掉生活中的主要樂趣。凱里太太和格雷夫斯小姐也因著這場爭吵而深為苦惱；她們通了幾封信以後就見面了，決心要解決這個問題：她們一個跟自己的丈夫說，一個向自己的哥哥講，從早說到晚；因為她們所規勸的也正是這兩紳士心裡想要的，所以過了三個星期的焦慮之後，終於握手言歡。這對雙方都有好處，但他們都把它歸於對救贖主的愛。演說會還是在主堂裡舉行，由醫生主持，凱里先生和喬賽亞．格雷夫斯都在會上講了話。

凱里太太先辦完銀行家的事，然後她上樓同他的妹妹小敘，當兩位淑女談到副牧師，或者威爾遜太太的新帽子等等教區裡的事兒時──威爾遜先生是布萊克斯泰勃的首富，估計每年至少有五百英鎊的收入，他娶了自己的廚娘做老婆──菲利浦端正地坐在只用來接待客人的不透風客廳裡，認真地看著魚缸內穿梭的金魚。客廳窗戶整天關著，只在早上開幾分鐘，讓房間透氣，客廳裡的悶臭味，使得菲利浦好像一聞就莫名的連想到銀行。

當下，凱里太太想到必須去雜貨店，他們繼續去辦事。買完東西之後，他們常沿著一條兩旁都是小木屋的街道（有個漁夫坐在自家門口補網，魚網就晾掛在門板上），直直通到個小海灘。街尾三面都是倉庫，但是仍可看見大海。凱里太太在那兒佇立幾分鐘，望著渾濁發黃的水面（誰知道她在想什麼？）；這時，菲利浦就找扁平的石頭，打水漂為樂。然後，他們慢慢地走回程，路經郵局順便看個時間，又跟坐在窗口縫衣服的醫生娘威格廉Wigram 太太點頭打招呼，然後就到家了。

下午一時吃午飯；星期1~3，有牛肉、烤的、小片的、剁碎的；星期4~6，吃羊肉。星期天吃一隻自家養的雞。下午是菲利浦做功課的時間，教他拉丁文和數學的伯父自己兩樣都不通。伯母教他法文和鋼琴，法文她是文盲。不過鋼琴還熟練到能為自己伴奏好幾首她已唱了三十年的老歌。威廉伯父常常告訴菲利浦，在他還當副牧師的時候，他太太能背十二首歌，無論何時候請她表演，她都能拿得出來。就是現在，牧師樓有茶會的時候，她還不時高歌一曲。凱里家只會邀請一些人，他們的茶會客人不外是：副牧師、格雷夫斯兄妹、威格廉醫生夫婦。用過茶點之後，格雷夫斯小姐演奏一兩首孟德爾頌的《無言歌》Mendelssohn's Songs without Words，而凱里太太就唱《當燕子飛回家的時候》When the Swallows Homeward Fly 或者《跑呀，跑呀，我的小馬》Trot, Trot, My Pony。

不過凱里家並不常舉行茶會；準備起來很麻煩，等到客人都走了，他們都感到筋疲力盡。他們寧願自個兒品茶，茶點後玩十五子棋。凱里太太得讓她的老公贏，因為他輸了不高興。晚上八時吃晚餐冷食。因為瑪麗安弄完茶點之後，不願再做菜，所以隨變有啥吃啥。凱里太太幫著收拾碗盤。通常凱里太太只吃塗牛油的麵包，再吃點煮過的水果，但是牧師還得吃一片肉。晚飯一結束，凱里太太便打鈴晚禱，隨後，菲利浦上床睡覺。他不讓瑪麗安替他脫衣服，反抗一陣子以後，終於贏得了自己穿衣、脫衣的權利。瑪麗安在九點時會把盛著雞蛋的盤子端進來。凱里太太在每個雞蛋上寫上日期，也把數目記在本子上；然後，她挽著餐具籃上樓去。凱里先生繼續讀一本他的那些老書，只要鐘一敲十點，他就站起來，熄了燈，跟著老婆上床。

菲利浦剛來時，要安排他在哪天晚上洗澡是有點困難。由於廚房的鍋爐壞掉了，所以無法同一天讓兩個人洗澡。在布萊克斯泰勃有浴室的僅僅威爾遜Wilson 先生一家，他是被視為存心擺闊的。

星期一晚上，瑪麗安在廚房洗澡，因為她喜歡乾淨地一週的開始。威廉伯父不能在星期六洗澡，因為要面對辛苦的主日，而他每洗完澡總覺得有點倦怠，所以他在星期五洗澡。凱里太太在星期四洗澡也是為了相同樣的理由。看來很自然的，菲利浦只能在星期六洗澡了，但是瑪麗安說：星期六她不能讓爐子一直燒到晚上，因為星期天得燒那麼多菜，除了做糕餅，還有一堆想不到的事，她覺得不能在星期六晚上替孩子洗澡；而這孩子還不會替自己洗澡。凱里太太覺得給男孩子洗澡很不好意思；牧師得準備他的布道。但是牧師堅持──菲利浦一定得乾乾淨淨、整整齊齊地迎接主日。瑪麗安說，她寧可走路也不願忍受這種事──幹了十八年，她不想再多負擔一點工作了，他們應該考慮到這一點──菲利浦也說，他不需要別人幫他洗澡，何況他自己可以洗得很好。

最後問題解決了。瑪麗安說：她敢斷定他自己是洗不乾淨的，與其讓孩子髒著身子──並非因為隔天是主日，而是她不能接受有身上洗不乾淨的孩子──倒不如讓自己累死，管它是不是周末的晚上。

****************

One day was very like another at the vicarage.

Soon after breakfast Mary Ann brought in The Times. Mr. Carey shared it with two neighbors. He had it from ten till one, when the gardener took it over to Mr. Ellis at the Limes, with whom it remained till seven; then it was taken to Miss Brooks at the Manor House, who, since she got it late, had the advantage of keeping it. In summer Mrs. Carey, when she was making jam, often asked her for a copy to cover the pots with. When the Vicar settled down to his paper his wife put on her bonnet and went out to do the shopping. Philip accompanied her. Blackstable was a fishing village. It consisted of a high street in which were the shops, the bank, the doctor's house, and the houses of two or three coalship owners; round the little harbor were shabby streets in which lived fishermen and poor people; but since they went to chapel they were of no account. When Mrs. Carey passed the dissenting ministers in the street she stepped over to the other side to avoid meeting them, but if there was not time for this fixed her eyes on the pavement. It was a scandal to which the Vicar had never resigned himself that there were three chapels in the High Street: he could not help feeling that the law should have stepped in to prevent their erection. Shopping in Blackstable was not a simple matter; for dissent, helped by the fact that the parish church was two miles from the town, was very common; and it was necessary to deal only with churchgoers; Mrs. Carey knew perfectly that the vicarage custom might make all the difference to a tradesman's faith. There were two butchers who went to church, and they would not understand that the Vicar could not deal with both of them at once; nor were they satisfied with his simple plan of going for six months to one and for six months to the other. The butcher who was not sending meat to the vicarage constantly threatened not to come to church, and the Vicar was sometimes obliged to make a threat: it was very wrong of him not to come to church, but if he carried iniquity further and actually went to chapel, then of course, excellent as his meat was, Mr. Carey would be forced to leave him for ever. Mrs. Carey often stopped at the bank to deliver a message to Josiah Graves, the manager, who was choir-master, treasurer, and churchwarden. He was a tall, thin man with a sallow face and a long nose; his hair was very white, and to Philip he seemed extremely old. He kept the parish accounts, arranged the treats for the choir and the schools; though there was no organ in the parish church, it was generally considered (in Blackstable) that the choir he led was the best in Kent; and when there was any ceremony, such as a visit from the Bishop for confirmation or from the Rural Dean to preach at the Harvest Thanksgiving, he made the necessary preparations. But he had no hesitation in doing all manner of things without more than a perfunctory consultation with the Vicar, and the Vicar, though always ready to be saved trouble, much resented the churchwarden's managing ways. He really seemed to look upon himself as the most important person in the parish. Mr. Carey constantly told his wife that if Josiah Graves did not take care he would give him a good rap over the knuckles one day; but Mrs. Carey advised him to bear with Josiah Graves: he meant well, and it was not his fault if he was not quite a gentleman. The Vicar, finding his comfort in the practice of a Christian virtue, exercised forbearance; but he revenged himself by calling the churchwarden Bismarck behind his back.

Once there had been a serious quarrel between the pair, and Mrs. Carey still thought of that anxious time with dismay. The Conservative candidate had announced his intention of addressing a meeting at Blackstable; and Josiah Graves, having arranged that it should take place in the Mission Hall, went to Mr. Carey and told him that he hoped he would say a few words. It appeared that the candidate had asked Josiah Graves to take the chair. This was more than Mr. Carey could put up with. He had firm views upon the respect which was due to the cloth, and it was ridiculous for a churchwarden to take the chair at a meeting when the Vicar was there. He reminded Josiah Graves that parson meant person, that is, the vicar was the person of the parish. Josiah Graves answered that he was the first to recognise the dignity of the church, but this was a matter of politics, and in his turn he reminded the Vicar that their Blessed Saviour had enjoined upon them to render unto Caesar the things that were Caesar's. To this Mr. Carey replied that the devil could quote scripture to his purpose, himself had sole authority over the Mission Hall, and if he were not asked to be chairman he would refuse the use of it for a political meeting. Josiah Graves told Mr. Carey that he might do as he chose, and for his part he thought the Wesleyan Chapel would be an equally suitable place. Then Mr. Carey said that if Josiah Graves set foot in what was little better than a heathen temple he was not fit to be churchwarden in a Christian parish. Josiah Graves thereupon resigned all his offices, and that very evening sent to the church for his cassock and surplice. His sister, Miss Graves, who kept house for him, gave up her secretaryship of the Maternity Club, which provided the pregnant poor with flannel, baby linen, coals, and five shillings. Mr. Carey said he was at last master in his own house. But soon he found that he was obliged to see to all sorts of things that he knew nothing about; and Josiah Graves, after the first moment of irritation, discovered that he had lost his chief interest in life. Mrs. Carey and Miss Graves were much distressed by the quarrel; they met after a discreet exchange of letters, and made up their minds to put the matter right: they talked, one to her husband, the other to her brother, from morning till night; and since they were persuading these gentlemen to do what in their hearts they wanted, after three weeks of anxiety a reconciliation was effected. It was to both their interests, but they ascribed it to a common love for their Redeemer. The meeting was held at the Mission Hall, and the doctor was asked to be chairman. Mr. Carey and Josiah Graves both made speeches.

When Mrs. Carey had finished her business with the banker, she generally went upstairs to have a little chat with his sister; and while the ladies talked of parish matters, the curate or the new bonnet of Mrs. Wilson—Mr. Wilson was the richest man in Blackstable, he was thought to have at least five hundred a year, and he had married his cook—Philip sat demurely in the stiff parlour, used only to receive visitors, and busied himself with the restless movements of goldfish in a bowl. The windows were never opened except to air the room for a few minutes in the morning, and it had a stuffy smell which seemed to Philip to have a mysterious connection with banking.

Then Mrs. Carey remembered that she had to go to the grocer, and they continued their way. When the shopping was done they often went down a side street of little houses, mostly of wood, in which fishermen dwelt (and here and there a fisherman sat on his doorstep mending his nets, and nets hung to dry upon the doors), till they came to a small beach, shut in on each side by warehouses, but with a view of the sea. Mrs. Carey stood for a few minutes and looked at it, it was turbid and yellow, [and who knows what thoughts passed through her mind?] while Philip searched for flat stones to play ducks and drakes. Then they walked slowly back. They looked into the post office to get the right time, nodded to Mrs. Wigram the doctor's wife, who sat at her window sewing, and so got home.

Dinner was at one o'clock; and on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday it consisted of beef, roast, hashed, and minced, and on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday of mutton. On Sunday they ate one of their own chickens. In the afternoon Philip did his lessons, He was taught Latin and mathematics by his uncle who knew neither, and French and the piano by his aunt. Of French she was ignorant, but she knew the piano well enough to accompany the old-fashioned songs she had sung for thirty years. Uncle William used to tell Philip that when he was a curate his wife had known twelve songs by heart, which she could sing at a moment's notice whenever she was asked. She often sang still when there was a tea-party at the vicarage. There were few people whom the Careys cared to ask there, and their parties consisted always of the curate, Josiah Graves with his sister, Dr. Wigram and his wife. After tea Miss Graves played one or two of Mendelssohn's Songs without Words, and Mrs. Carey sang When the Swallows Homeward Fly, or Trot, Trot, My Pony.

But the Careys did not give tea-parties often; the preparations upset them, and when their guests were gone they felt themselves exhausted. They preferred to have tea by themselves, and after tea they played backgammon. Mrs. Carey arranged that her husband should win, because he did not like losing. They had cold supper at eight. It was a scrappy meal because Mary Ann resented getting anything ready after tea, and Mrs. Carey helped to clear away. Mrs. Carey seldom ate more than bread and butter, with a little stewed fruit to follow, but the Vicar had a slice of cold meat. Immediately after supper Mrs. Carey rang the bell for prayers, and then Philip went to bed. He rebelled against being undressed by Mary Ann and after a while succeeded in establishing his right to dress and undress himself. At nine o'clock Mary Ann brought in the eggs and the plate. Mrs. Carey wrote the date on each egg and put the number down in a book. She then took the plate-basket on her arm and went upstairs. Mr. Carey continued to read one of his old books, but as the clock struck ten he got up, put out the lamps, and followed his wife to bed.

When Philip arrived there was some difficulty in deciding on which evening he should have his bath. It was never easy to get plenty of hot water, since the kitchen boiler did not work, and it was impossible for two persons to have a bath on the same day. The only man who had a bathroom in Blackstable was Mr. Wilson, and it was thought ostentatious of him. Mary Ann had her bath in the kitchen on Monday night, because she liked to begin the week clean. Uncle William could not have his on Saturday, because he had a heavy day before him and he was always a little tired after a bath, so he had it on Friday. Mrs. Carey had hers on Thursday for the same reason. It looked as though Saturday were naturally indicated for Philip, but Mary Ann said she couldn't keep the fire up on Saturday night: what with all the cooking on Sunday, having to make pastry and she didn't know what all, she did not feel up to giving the boy his bath on Saturday night; and it was quite clear that he could not bath himself. Mrs. Carey was shy about bathing a boy, and of course the Vicar had his sermon. But the Vicar insisted that Philip should be clean and sweet for the lord's Day. Mary Ann said she would rather go than be put upon—and after eighteen years she didn't expect to have more work given her, and they might show some consideration—and Philip said he didn't want anyone to bath him, but could very well bath himself. This settled it. Mary Ann said she was quite sure he wouldn't bath himself properly, and rather than he should go dirty—and not because he was going into the presence of the Lord, but because she couldn't abide a boy who wasn't properly washed—she'd work herself to the bone even if it was Saturday night.

人性的枷鎖(5)

人性的枷鎖OF HUMAN BONDAGE

BY W. SOMERSET MAUGHAM毛姆

1915

中譯Bill Lin

第5章 遺照

菲利浦逐漸摸熟了身邊的人，透過一些片段的交談──有些不是要說給他聽的──他也知道了不少有關他自己和已故的雙親的故事。

菲利浦的父親比這布萊克斯泰勃的牧師少好幾歲。他在聖路加St. Luke 醫院有段很不錯的生涯，被院方聘為駐院的醫生，有可觀的收入；花錢很大方：有回牧師準備修繕教堂，向他的弟弟勸募，結果出乎意料地收到了幾百英鎊。凱里先生天性節儉又手頭拮据，他收到那筆錢時，有很混雜的心情；他妒忌弟弟，居然拿得出這麼一大筆錢來；他一面為教堂感到高興，一面又隱隱的被這近乎炫耀的慷慨而激怒。

後來，亨利．凱里Henry Carey 和一位病人結婚，她很漂亮但沒有錢，無親無故卻是名門之後；婚禮時佳友如雲。牧師每次上倫敦去拜訪這位弟媳時，總是有些拘謹；他感到害躁，而且對她的艷麗心懷怨恨：她的裝扮，以當一個敬業的外科醫生的妻子來說，確實過於華麗；而她家裡那些迷人的家具，還有甚至在冬天裡擺設的鮮花，都是令他心痛的揮霍奢華。他還聽她提起要去參加的交際場合：正如牧師回家以後對他的妻子所說，不可能不禮尚往來。他在餐室裡看到的葡萄，想來至少得花八先令一磅；在午餐時，請他享用的蘆筍，兩個月後才能從牧師菜園裡收成。

現在，他所預料的一切都已成真：好像一個預言家看到一個不聽他的警告又不悔改的城市，終於被硫磺火所吞噬；牧師感到心滿意足。可憐的菲利浦真是一文不名，他媽媽的那些好友們現在能有什麼用？他聽說自己父親的揮霍實在是無法無天，所以慈悲的天父早點把他親愛的母親接走了；因為她對金錢的概念只像個小孩子。

菲利浦到了布萊克斯泰勃一個星期以後，發生了一件似乎讓他伯父很生氣的事。一天早上，牧師在早餐桌上看到一個小包裹，是由凱里太太生前在倫敦所住的房子轉寄來的。是寄給她的。牧師拆開一看，是凱里太太的一打照片。都是只拍到肩部的大頭照，她的髮型比平時樸素，頭髮蓋到額頭，顯得有點異樣；臉龎瘦削，面容憔悴，不過疾病也無損於她容貌的美麗。菲利浦並不記得這雙烏黑的大眼睛所透出的哀怨之情。乍看到這過世的女子，凱里先生心頭不禁微微一震，但是緊接著的是不解。這些照片似乎是新近拍攝的，可是他想像不出是誰要的。

「你知道這些照片是怎麼一回事，菲利浦？」他問道。

「我記得媽媽說去拍過照，」他回答。「瓦特津小姐還為這事責怪她……她說：『我要給孩子留點東西，讓他長大後能記得我。』」

凱里先生看著菲利浦好一會兒。孩子用輕晰的童音說著，他記得母親的話，卻不明白任何含義。

「你最好拿一張照片放在你的房間裡，」凱里先生說：「其餘的就由我保管。」

他寄了一張給瓦特津小姐，於是她回了信，也解釋了這些照片是怎麼來的：

有一天，凱里太太躺在床上，覺得人比平時好了些，醫生早上也說好像有起色；艾瑪帶孩子出去了，女僕們都在樓下地下室裡，凱里太太突然絕望地感到自己在世上的孤獨。

她被籠罩在一陣巨大的恐懼之下：她原以為兩個星期坐月子，現在恐怕好不了了。兒子今年才九歲，怎麼能指望他將來不把自己忘掉呢？她不能忍受他日後長大會將自己忘掉，忘得一乾二淨的念頭；她這麼深切地愛他，因為他體質羸弱，又有殘疾，又是自己的親生骨肉。她結婚以後還沒有拍過照，已經十年了。她要兒子知道自己臨終前的模樣，這樣他才不會把自己忘得一乾二淨。她知道，如果她找侍女，說她要出門，侍女一定會阻止她，說不定還會找醫生來，她現在連掙扎或爭論的力氣都沒有。她自己下床，開始穿衣服。

因為長期臥榻，她的雙腿支撐不住，然後是腳底針刺的感覺，幾幾乎連腳擺到地上都受不了。但是她堅持下去。她不慣於自己做頭髮，一抬起手臂開始梳頭，就感到一陣眩暈。她怎麼梳也弄不像侍女所做的髮型。她有著漂亮的金黃色的秀髮。筆直的黑色眉毛。她穿一條黑裙子，但選了那件最喜歡的緊身胸衣：當時很流行的白緞做的。

她照鏡子，看到自己的臉色很蒼白，但皮膚透明。她臉上一向沒什麼血色，這反而使她那美麗的嘴唇越顯得紅潤。她情不自禁地哭起來。但是她沒本錢顧影自憐，因為她已感到精疲力竭；她披上亨利去年聖誕節送給她的皮衣──當時她頗以這件禮物為傲和快樂──怦怦心跳的溜下樓。

她順利的出了屋子，搭車去照相館。她付了一打照片的錢。在拍照的當兒，她支撐不住，不得不要了杯水；攝影師的助手看到她有病，建議她改日再來，但她堅持到底。最後，總算拍完了，她又搭車回肯辛頓的那所她很恨惡的灰溜溜的小屋。要死在那種屋子裡實在很恐怖。

她發現大門開著，當她的車子開上去時，侍女和艾瑪跑下臺階來幫她。

當她們發現她不在房間裡，全給嚇壞了。最先，她們想她應該是去找瓦特津小姐，於是打發廚娘過去那兒。不料，瓦特津小姐卻跟著她一起過來，在客廳裡焦急地等著。現在她也趕下樓來，很焦急的數落凱里太太；但是凱里太太的體力透支已經遠超過她所能忍受，所以當逞強的場合一過，她就垮了。她重重地倒在艾瑪懷裡，被她們抬上樓。她昏迷了一陣子，但對看護她的人來說，卻像是很長的時間；已經趕緊去請醫生，但還沒到。

等到她好了一點，瓦特津小姐從她嘴裡了解了整件事，已經是隔天了。菲利浦正在母親臥室的地板上玩耍，這兩位婦人都沒注意到他。他只是似懂非懂地聽到她倆的對話，他說不清為什麼那些話會留在他的記憶裡。

「我要留給孩子，讓他長大後能記得我的東西。」

「我想不透她為什麼要拍一打，」凱里先生說：「兩張不就夠了。」

********************

Philip came gradually to know the people he was to live with, and by fragments of conversation, some of it not meant for his ears, learned a good deal both about himself and about his dead parents. Philip's father had been much younger than the Vicar of Blackstable. After a brilliant career at St. Luke's Hospital he was put on the staff, and presently began to earn money in considerable sums. He spent it freely. When the parson set about restoring his church and asked his brother for a subscription, he was surprised by receiving a couple of hundred pounds: Mr. Carey, thrifty by inclination and economical by necessity, accepted it with mingled feelings; he was envious of his brother because he could afford to give so much, pleased for the sake of his church, and vaguely irritated by a generosity which seemed almost ostentatious. Then Henry Carey married a patient, a beautiful girl but penniless, an orphan with no near relations, but of good family; and there was an array of fine friends at the wedding. The parson, on his visits to her when he came to London, held himself with reserve. He felt shy with her and in his heart he resented her great beauty: she dressed more magnificently than became the wife of a hardworking surgeon; and the charming furniture of her house, the flowers among which she lived even in winter, suggested an extravagance which he deplored. He heard her talk of entertainments she was going to; and, as he told his wife on getting home again, it was impossible to accept hospitality without making some return. He had seen grapes in the dining-room that must have cost at least eight shillings a pound; and at luncheon he had been given asparagus two months before it was ready in the vicarage garden. Now all he had anticipated was come to pass: the Vicar felt the satisfaction of the prophet who saw fire and brimstone consume the city which would not mend its way to his warning. Poor Philip was practically penniless, and what was the good of his mother's fine friends now? He heard that his father's extravagance was really criminal, and it was a mercy that Providence had seen fit to take his dear mother to itself: she had no more idea of money than a child.

When Philip had been a week at Blackstable an incident happened which seemed to irritate his uncle very much. One morning he found on the breakfast table a small packet which had been sent on by post from the late Mrs. Carey's house in London. It was addressed to her. When the parson opened it he found a dozen photographs of Mrs. Carey. They showed the head and shoulders only, and her hair was more plainly done than usual, low on the forehead, which gave her an unusual look; the face was thin and worn, but no illness could impair the beauty of her features. There was in the large dark eyes a sadness which Philip did not remember. The first sight of the dead woman gave Mr. Carey a little shock, but this was quickly followed by perplexity. The photographs seemed quite recent, and he could not imagine who had ordered them.

"D'you know anything about these, Philip?" he asked.

"I remember mamma said she'd been taken," he answered. "Miss Watkin scolded her…. She said: I wanted the boy to have something to remember me by when he grows up."

Mr. Carey looked at Philip for an instant. The child spoke in a clear treble. He recalled the words, but they meant nothing to him.

"You'd better take one of the photographs and keep it in your room," said

Mr. Carey. "I'll put the others away."

He sent one to Miss Watkin, and she wrote and explained how they came to be taken.

One day Mrs. Carey was lying in bed, but she was feeling a little better than usual, and the doctor in the morning had seemed hopeful; Emma had taken the child out, and the maids were downstairs in the basement: suddenly Mrs. Carey felt desperately alone in the world. A great fear seized her that she would not recover from the confinement which she was expecting in a fortnight. Her son was nine years old. How could he be expected to remember her? She could not bear to think that he would grow up and forget, forget her utterly; and she had loved him so passionately, because he was weakly and deformed, and because he was her child. She had no photographs of herself taken since her marriage, and that was ten years before. She wanted her son to know what she looked like at the end. He could not forget her then, not forget utterly. She knew that if she called her maid and told her she wanted to get up, the maid would prevent her, and perhaps send for the doctor, and she had not the strength now to struggle or argue. She got out of bed and began to dress herself. She had been on her back so long that her legs gave way beneath her, and then the soles of her feet tingled so that she could hardly bear to put them to the ground. But she went on. She was unused to doing her own hair and, when she raised her arms and began to brush it, she felt faint. She could never do it as her maid did. It was beautiful hair, very fine, and of a deep rich gold. Her eyebrows were straight and dark. She put on a black skirt, but chose the bodice of the evening dress which she liked best: it was of a white damask which was fashionable in those days. She looked at herself in the glass. Her face was very pale, but her skin was clear: she had never had much colour, and this had always made the redness of her beautiful mouth emphatic. She could not restrain a sob. But she could not afford to be sorry for herself; she was feeling already desperately tired; and she put on the furs which Henry had given her the Christmas before—she had been so proud of them and so happy then—and slipped downstairs with beating heart. She got safely out of the house and drove to a photographer. She paid for a dozen photographs. She was obliged to ask for a glass of water in the middle of the sitting; and the assistant, seeing she was ill, suggested that she should come another day, but she insisted on staying till the end. At last it was finished, and she drove back again to the dingy little house in Kensington which she hated with all her heart. It was a horrible house to die in.

She found the front door open, and when she drove up the maid and Emma ran down the steps to help her. They had been frightened when they found her room empty. At first they thought she must have gone to Miss Watkin, and the cook was sent round. Miss Watkin came back with her and was waiting anxiously in the drawing-room. She came downstairs now full of anxiety and reproaches; but the exertion had been more than Mrs. Carey was fit for, and when the occasion for firmness no longer existed she gave way. She fell heavily into Emma's arms and was carried upstairs. She remained unconscious for a time that seemed incredibly long to those that watched her, and the doctor, hurriedly sent for, did not come. It was next day, when she was a little better, that Miss Watkin got some explanation out of her. Philip was playing on the floor of his mother's bed-room, and neither of the ladies paid attention to him. He only understood vaguely what they were talking about, and he could not have said why those words remained in his memory.

"I wanted the boy to have something to remember me by when he grows up."

"I can't make out why she ordered a dozen," said Mr. Carey. "Two would have done."