人性的枷鎖(11)

人性的枷鎖OF HUMAN BONDAGE

BY W. SOMERSET MAUGHAM毛姆

1915

中譯Bill Lin

第11章 瘸腳

第二天早晨，菲利浦被一陣叮噹的鐘聲吵醒，他睜開眼，驚愕地打量著自己的隔間。然後，一聲叫喚，他記起了自己是在哪裡。

「你醒了嗎，辛格Singer？」

隔間是用打磨過的油松木隔成的，正面掛著綠色門簾。那時，人們很少考慮到要空氣流通，除了早上讓宿舍透氣以外，窗戶都是關著的。

菲利浦起床，跪下禱告。早上很冷，他冷得有點發抖；不過他的伯父教過他，穿著睡衣禱告，比穿戴整齊後禱告更合乎神的心意。他對這種說法不感到意外，因為他開始覺得：他是那位喜歡信徒苦行的神所創造的生靈。晨禱完他開始梳洗。宿舍裡有兩個浴缸，給五十名學生使用，每個學生一星期可泡一次澡。平時就用洗臉架上的小臉盆了事。這個洗臉架，還有床鋪和一把椅子，就是每個隔間的全部傢具。孩子們邊穿衣服，一邊高興地閒扯。菲利浦只有豎耳旁聽的份。

這時，又一陣鐘響，他們跑下樓。他們進了教室，在兩張長桌旁的長板凳上坐好；華生先生，後面跟著他的老婆和幾名工友也進來坐下。華生先生念起禱告來很有架勢，雷鳴般的大聲禱告，好像是對每個孩子個人發出的恐嚇。菲利浦忐忑不安地聽著。接著，華生先生唸了一章《聖經》，工友們全出來了。一會兒，那個懶散的年輕人弄來了兩大壺茶，第二趟，就是幾大盤的牛油麵包。

菲利浦有點挑食，麵包上那厚厚的一層劣質牛油，讓他倒盡胃口；但他看到其他孩子把它刮掉，所以他也跟著做。他們都有類似罐頭肉的東西，是放在日用品箱裡帶進來的；有些還有額外的蛋或熏肉，華生先生在這“加菜”上有利可圖。華生先生問過凱里先生，是否讓菲利浦也有這些“加菜”，凱里先生回答說：他反對把孩子們慣壞了。華生先生極表贊同──他認為，麵包牛油是正在發育中的少年們最好的食物──但是有些過度縱容自己的後代的父母親堅持要“加菜”。

菲利浦注意到“加菜”給了那些孩子一些通融的好處，於是他下定主意，在給路易莎伯母寫信時，也要求“加菜”。

早餐後，孩子們蹓到操場上。日班學生陸陸續續的來了。他們的父親是當地的牧師、軍營的軍官，再不就是坐落於這老城鎮的工廠老闆和商人。這時鈴聲響了，他們全進了課堂。課堂有一個長長的大房間和一個小房間；大房間的兩頭，由兩位教師分別教第二、第三班的課；小房間是華生先生專用的，他教第一班。

在公開的授獎典禮，或在公文把預校正式附屬到高校的安排上，這三個班級被稱為高班、中班和第二低班。菲利浦被安排在最後那班。班老師叫賴斯Rice，滿臉紅光，悅耳的嗓子；和孩子們處得很愉快，所以上他的課，時間過得很快。菲利浦很驚訝已經是十點三刻，他們被放出去休息十分鐘。

全校學生一下子吵雜地跑進操場。新生被叫到操場中央，其他學生沿牆站在兩側。他們開始玩起“捉豬”的遊戲。舊生從這一堵牆跑到另一堵牆，新生要去抓他們，如果抓到一個，要說秘語：「一、二、三，這豬是我的。」他便成了俘虜，要反過來幫新生去捉那些還在跑的人。菲利浦看見一個孩子從身邊跑過，想上去抓住他，但是他一拐一拐的，一點機會也沒有；這一下，奔跑著的孩子趁機全往他這兒跑。其中有個孩子靈機一動，模仿起菲利浦笨拙的模樣。其他孩子見了開始大笑，接著他們都模仿第一個孩子，在菲利浦周圍怪模怪樣地拐著腿跑，尖著嗓門又叫又笑。

他們在這種新玩意兒的歡樂中玩昏了頭，樂不可支。有一個孩子上去把菲利浦絆倒，他像往常那樣，重重地摔了一跤，膝蓋跌破了。他爬起來，孩子們笑得更大聲。一個男孩從背後猛推他一把，要不是另一個男孩拉他一把，他一定又要摔一跤。拿菲利浦的殘疾取樂，把遊戲都給忘了。其中一個發明了個怪裡怪氣的一搖三擺的跛足模樣，使得剩下的人感到特別滑稽可笑，好幾個孩子笑得在地上打滾：菲利浦真的嚇到了。他不知道他們幹嘛要嘲弄他。他心跳得幾乎喘不過氣來，他有生以來從未這麼驚嚇過。當孩子們圍著他跑，又模仿又哄笑時，他只呆呆地站著；他們對著他大叫，要他去抓他們；但是他一動也不動。他不再讓他們看到自己在跑。他使出全身力氣，不讓自己哭出來。

突然鈴聲響了，他們紛紛回到教室。菲利浦的膝蓋還在流血，滿身塵土 頭髮凌亂。有好幾分鐘，賴斯先生無法控制班上的秩序。他們還在興奮那新鮮奇怪的事情，而且菲利浦看到他們之間有一兩個還在偷偷的看著他的腳。他趕緊把腳縮到板凳下面。

下午他們準備去踢足球。菲利浦吃過午飯，正往外走，但是華生先生把他叫住。

「我想，你不會踢足球吧，凱里？」華生先生問他。

菲利浦覺得自己漲紅了臉：「不會，先生。」

「很好，就別踢了。你最好也到足球場去。你能走這點路吧？」

菲利浦不知道足球場在哪兒，但他還是同樣的回答：「是的，先生。」

賴斯先生帶著孩子們走了，他看到菲利浦沒換衣服，問他為什麼不要去玩球。

「華生先生說我不必踢了，先生，」菲利浦說。

「為什麼？」

許多孩子圍著他，好奇地望著他。菲利浦感到一陣羞愧，垂下眼皮不吭聲。其他的孩子們替他回答。

「他有個翻掌腳，先生。」

「噢，我知道了。」

賴斯先生很年輕；一年前才畢業；他突然感到很困窘。他本能地想對這孩子道歉，但又不好意思開口。他大聲粗氣的：「喂，孩子們，等什麼？還不快走！」

有些學生早已走了，其餘的也三三兩兩地走了。

「你最好跟我一塊兒走，凱里，」老師說，「你認得路嗎？」

菲利浦猜到了老師的好意，差點沒晞噓了一下。

「我走不快，先生。」

「那我就走慢點，」老師微笑著說。

這位紅面孔的平凡的年輕人對他說了句體貼的話。他一下子不再覺得那麼難過了。

但是到了晚上，他們上床換衣服的時候，那個叫辛格的男孩卻從自己的隔間裡跑出來，把腦袋瓜伸進菲利浦的隔間。

「我說，讓我們看看你的腳，」他說。

「不，」菲利浦回答。

他趕緊跳上床。

「休想對我說不，」辛格說。「梅森Mason快來。」

鄰房隔間的孩子正探頭探腦，一聽到叫喚，馬上溜進來。他們對著菲利浦，想掀走他身上的床單，但是他緊抓著不放。

「你們幹嘛不放過我？」他叫喊道。

辛格抓起一把刷子，用刷子背敲打菲利浦那隻緊抓著毯子的手。菲利浦大叫起來。

「你為什麼不乖乖地把腳讓我們看？」

「不行！」

絕望之餘，菲利浦握緊拳頭，揍了那個騷擾他的孩子一拳，但他還是佔了下風，那孩子抓住菲利浦的胳臂；把菲利浦的胳臂扭轉。

「哦，別扭別扭，」菲利浦說，「你會扭斷我的胳臂。」

「那你就平躺著，把腳伸出來。」

菲利浦哭叫一聲，倒抽一口氣。那孩子又把手臂扭了一下。菲利浦痛得受不了。

「好吧，我照辦，」菲利浦說。

他伸出腳。辛格仍舊抓住菲利浦的手腕不放。他好奇地看著那隻畸形腳。

「噁心！」梅森說。

又一個孩子進來看。

「喔育!」他顯出厭惡感地說。

「哎喲，真怪，」辛格扮了鬼臉說著。「硬不硬？」

他小心翼翼地用食指尖觸碰那隻腳，好像它是自個兒的生命體。突然，他們聽到樓梯上有華生先生沉重的腳步聲。他們趕緊把毯子扔回給菲利浦，像兔子般地溜回他們的隔間。華生先生走進宿舍。他踮起腳尖就可以從掛綠色門簾的竿子上看進去，他視察了兩三間隔間。小孩子們都安然入睡，他熄了燈，走了出去。

辛格叫喚菲利浦，但他沒有回應。他用牙緊咬著枕頭，不讓人聽到自己的啜泣。他不是因為他們打他的疼痛，也不是因為被他們看了殘足的羞辱，而是憤恨自己經不起拷打，自己把腳伸了出去。

然後，他感受到自己的生世淒涼。以他幼小的心靈看來，今後一定是苦海無邊。無緣無故地，他想起那個寒冷的早晨，艾瑪把他從床上抱到母親的身邊。他從未回想過那番情景；但是現在，他好像又感受到母親雙手懷抱和身體相依靠的溫暖。一下子他覺得，自己的生活，母親的辭世，牧師樓裡的一切，還有這兩天在學校裏的不幸遭遇，就像一場夢；明天一早醒來，自己又會回到家裡。他一想到這兒，淚水就乾了。他實在太不幸了，這一定是場夢，他的母親還活著，艾瑪現在會上來陪他睡覺。他睡著了。

但是隔天早晨，他仍然在叮噹的鈴聲中醒來，第一眼看到的還是他小隔間的綠色門簾。

***

Next morning when the clanging of a bell awoke Philip he looked round his cubicle in astonishment. Then a voice sang out, and he remembered where he was.

"Are you awake, Singer?"

The partitions of the cubicle were of polished pitch-pine, and there was a green curtain in front. In those days there was little thought of ventilation, and the windows were closed except when the dormitory was aired in the morning.

Philip got up and knelt down to say his prayers. It was a cold morning, and he shivered a little; but he had been taught by his uncle that his prayers were more acceptable to God if he said them in his nightshirt than if he waited till he was dressed. This did not surprise him, for he was beginning to realise that he was the creature of a God who appreciated the discomfort of his worshippers. Then he washed. There were two baths for the fifty boarders, and each boy had a bath once a week. The rest of his washing was done in a small basin on a wash-stand, which with the bed and a chair, made up the furniture of each cubicle. The boys chatted gaily while they dressed. Philip was all ears. Then another bell sounded, and they ran downstairs. They took their seats on the forms on each side of the two long tables in the school-room; and Mr. Watson, followed by his wife and the servants, came in and sat down. Mr. Watson read prayers in an impressive manner, and the supplications thundered out in his loud voice as though they were threats personally addressed to each boy. Philip listened with anxiety. Then Mr. Watson read a chapter from the Bible, and the servants trooped out. In a moment the untidy youth brought in two large pots of tea and on a second journey immense dishes of bread and butter.

Philip had a squeamish appetite, and the thick slabs of poor butter on the bread turned his stomach, but he saw other boys scraping it off and followed their example. They all had potted meats and such like, which they had brought in their play-boxes; and some had 'extras,' eggs or bacon, upon which Mr. Watson made a profit. When he had asked Mr. Carey whether Philip was to have these, Mr. Carey replied that he did not think boys should be spoilt. Mr. Watson quite agreed with him—he considered nothing was better than bread and butter for growing lads—but some parents, unduly pampering their offspring, insisted on it.

Philip noticed that 'extras' gave boys a certain consideration and made up his mind, when he wrote to Aunt Louisa, to ask for them.

After breakfast the boys wandered out into the play-ground. Here the day-boys were gradually assembling. They were sons of the local clergy, of the officers at the Depot, and of such manufacturers or men of business as the old town possessed. Presently a bell rang, and they all trooped into school. This consisted of a large, long room at opposite ends of which two under-masters conducted the second and third forms, and of a smaller one, leading out of it, used by Mr. Watson, who taught the first form. To attach the preparatory to the senior school these three classes were known officially, on speech days and in reports, as upper, middle, and lower second. Philip was put in the last. The master, a red-faced man with a pleasant voice, was called Rice; he had a jolly manner with boys, and the time passed quickly. Philip was surprised when it was a quarter to eleven and they were let out for ten minutes' rest.

The whole school rushed noisily into the play-ground. The new boys were told to go into the middle, while the others stationed themselves along opposite walls. They began to play Pig in the Middle. The old boys ran from wall to wall while the new boys tried to catch them: when one was seized and the mystic words said—one, two, three, and a pig for me—he became a prisoner and, turning sides, helped to catch those who were still free. Philip saw a boy running past and tried to catch him, but his limp gave him no chance; and the runners, taking their opportunity, made straight for the ground he covered. Then one of them had the brilliant idea of imitating Philip's clumsy run. Other boys saw it and began to laugh; then they all copied the first; and they ran round Philip, limping grotesquely, screaming in their treble voices with shrill laughter. They lost their heads with the delight of their new amusement, and choked with helpless merriment. One of them tripped Philip up and he fell, heavily as he always fell, and cut his knee. They laughed all the louder when he got up. A boy pushed him from behind, and he would have fallen again if another had not caught him. The game was forgotten in the entertainment of Philip's deformity. One of them invented an odd, rolling limp that struck the rest as supremely ridiculous, and several of the boys lay down on the ground and rolled about in laughter: Philip was completely scared. He could not make out why they were laughing at him. His heart beat so that he could hardly breathe, and he was more frightened than he had ever been in his life. He stood still stupidly while the boys ran round him, mimicking and laughing; they shouted to him to try and catch them; but he did not move. He did not want them to see him run any more. He was using all his strength to prevent himself from crying.

Suddenly the bell rang, and they all trooped back to school. Philip's knee was bleeding, and he was dusty and disheveled. For some minutes Mr. Rice could not control his form. They were excited still by the strange novelty, and Philip saw one or two of them furtively looking down at his feet. He tucked them under the bench.

In the afternoon they went up to play football, but Mr. Watson stopped Philip on the way out after dinner. "I suppose you can't play football, Carey?" he asked him.

Philip blushed self-consciously. "No, sir."

"Very well. You'd better go up to the field. You can walk as far as that, can't you?"

Philip had no idea where the field was, but he answered all the same.

"Yes, sir."

The boys went in charge of Mr. Rice, who glanced at Philip and seeing he had not changed, asked why he was not going to play.

"Mr. Watson said I needn't, sir," said Philip.

"Why?"

There were boys all round him, looking at him curiously, and a feeling of shame came over Philip. He looked down without answering. Others gave the reply.

"He's got a club-foot, sir."

"Oh, I see."

Mr. Rice was quite young; he had only taken his degree a year before; and he was suddenly embarrassed. His instinct was to beg the boy's pardon, but he was too shy to do so. He made his voice gruff and loud.

"Now then, you boys, what are you waiting about for? Get on with you."

Some of them had already started and those that were left now set off, in groups of two or three.

"You'd better come along with me, Carey," said the master "You don't know the way, do you?"

Philip guessed the kindness, and a sob came to his throat.

"I can't go very fast, sir."

"Then I'll go very slow," said the master, with a smile.

Philip's heart went out to the red-faced, commonplace young man who said a gentle word to him. He suddenly felt less unhappy.

But at night when they went up to bed and were undressing, the boy who was called Singer came out of his cubicle and put his head in Philip's.

"I say, let's look at your foot," he said.

"No," answered Philip.

He jumped into bed quickly.

"Don't say no to me," said Singer. "Come on, Mason."

The boy in the next cubicle was looking round the corner, and at the words he slipped in. They made for Philip and tried to tear the bed-clothes off him, but he held them tightly.

"Why can't you leave me alone?" he cried.

Singer seized a brush and with the back of it beat Philip's hands clenched on the blanket. Philip cried out.

"Why don't you show us your foot quietly?"

"I won't."

In desperation Philip clenched his fist and hit the boy who tormented him, but he was at a disadvantage, and the boy seized his arm. He began to turn it.

"Oh, don't, don't," said Philip. "You'll break my arm."

"Stop still then and put out your foot."

Philip gave a sob and a gasp. The boy gave the arm another wrench. The pain was unendurable.

"All right. I'll do it," said Philip.

He put out his foot. Singer still kept his hand on Philip's wrist. He looked curiously at the deformity.

"Isn't it beastly?" said Mason.

Another came in and looked too.

"Ugh," he said, in disgust.

"My word, it is rum," said Singer, making a face. "Is it hard?"

He touched it with the tip of his forefinger, cautiously, as though it were something that had a life of its own. Suddenly they heard Mr. Watson's heavy tread on the stairs. They threw the clothes back on Philip and dashed like rabbits into their cubicles. Mr. Watson came into the dormitory. Raising himself on tiptoe he could see over the rod that bore the green curtain, and he looked into two or three of the cubicles. The little boys were safely in bed. He put out the light and went out.

Singer called out to Philip, but he did not answer. He had got his teeth in the pillow so that his sobbing should be inaudible. He was not crying for the pain they had caused him, nor for the humiliation he had suffered when they looked at his foot, but with rage at himself because, unable to stand the torture, he had put out his foot of his own accord.

And then he felt the misery of his life. It seemed to his childish mind that this unhappiness must go on for ever. For no particular reason he remembered that cold morning when Emma had taken him out of bed and put him beside his mother. He had not thought of it once since it happened, but now he seemed to feel the warmth of his mother's body against his and her arms around him. Suddenly it seemed to him that his life was a dream, his mother's death, and the life at the vicarage, and these two wretched days at school, and he would awake in the morning and be back again at home. His tears dried as he thought of it. He was too unhappy, it must be nothing but a dream, and his mother was alive, and Emma would come up presently and go to bed. He fell asleep.

But when he awoke next morning it was to the clanging of a bell, and the first thing his eyes saw was the green curtain of his cubicle.